When Hope and Love Turn to Anger
A few months ago I wrote a post thanking Lymphoma for once again entering my life and reminding me of certain things. Since that time, my hope, my love for advocacy, and process have transformed to what Lymphoma could not do the first time around- I am now angry at the disease where before I shrugged it off.
Don't get me wrong, I am still doing well after my transplant from a physical standpoint, but it is far more taxing emotional and mentally than I imagined. Many frustrations have set in.
Three years after my first go round, I was back to being financially stable, emotionally, physically and I was going to scratch a bunch of stuff off my 'to do' list this Spring and Summer. Once again Lymphoma reared its ugly head and placed a bunch on the back burner, some of which I may never have a chance to do again.
Aside from the financial drain of treatment, here is what I am angry about:
- Golf- or lack thereof. Being on the golf course just soaking in the sounds of rustling trees, birds chirping, enjoying some solitude while playing my favorite game is my happy place. Not so this year, not one little white ball has felt the wrath of my driver or have I heard the satisfying 'clink' of the ball dropping in the cup after a putt.
- Rush- The band, not the movie. I had grand plans to the R40 tour, the first time I would have seen this iconic band. That concert will pass me by while I am on house confinement this week. Grrr.......
- Foo Fighters- Another grand concert I will be unable to see this July. The only solace I can take is they will probably still tour in future years, although this one may be postponed anyway since Dave Grohl broke his leg last week, nevertheless....
- Summer in general!
- Home confinement- How many times can one watch Let's Make a Deal, reruns, and every movie on HBO? Game of Thrones is over for the season and True Detective is only once a week......the boredom is excruciating.
- Work- I am one of the lucky few tat truly enjoy their job and the people around it. I have been out for over a month and cannot return for another 34 days. Yeah, it's work, but it beats being bored.
- It's movie season! Can't even go to the theater to see Jurassic World, Ted 2, or the upcoming Pixels......
There is more, I understand the need for me to be at home and let my immune system recover, but I still can't help but be angry. I know the anger will lessen as my restrictions are loosened, but day +60 can't come fast enough.
